Recovering from exhaustion

After getting an anxiety attack last fall, I finally talked to a doctor about my constant workload and exhaustion. I don't get anxiety attacks, so this was a big deal for me, especially since one person caused it. It scared me; I had made progress with my mental health after my spring revelations and then in one moment it was all taken away.

Before seeing the doctor, I was half expecting that I would be told to either suck it up or that it is nothing. But I'm glad I was so wrong. The first thing the doctor did was validate all of my feelings, which was something I wasn't expecting and didn't realize I needed so much. I felt instantly relieved. Someone was finally listening and actually understanding, and then I continued to tell the doctor everything, I felt like I could say things I had told no one before.

The doctor told me that some people are more affected by specific leader types and can get exhausted even without a huge workload because the leaders cause these people to constantly feel like they aren't enough. I recognized myself, I've been trying to please some people for a long time and always felt like nothing I did was enough. I had thought there was just something wrong with me for having these feelings but finding out that I wasn't alone was both unexpected and eye-opening. Understanding both my behavior and the way it affects me, I've been able to start reducing the constant pressure I've made myself feel. I've realized that people either appreciate me or they don't, pushing myself over my limits won't change that.

The doctor also confirmed my thoughts about this healing process requiring time. I was told to take baby steps, one small change at a time. Getting my exercise schedule back on track is the first task, it helps me both mentally and physically. I have the doctor's orders to not let people pressure me into taking time from my exercise schedule to allow for, for example, a meeting to happen. The doctor also suggested that I should properly start my singing hobby again because it's something I love more than anything. But I should focus on this at a later time. And while taking the baby steps, at the same time making sure my situation at work doesn't get worse. And I was told to not let anyone tell me a schedule for my healing process.

I'm thankful that I found a doctor who actually listened to me and heard me because now I feel like I've actually started to properly heal. And thankfully I have a team at work who knows of my issues and is more supportive than I could ask for. And not forgetting my support team at home, they are the most important.

Starting to see results

I often felt really sad on Sundays. I hadn't really thought about it but now I've started to realize that the sadness was caused by the anxiety and exhaustion that was waiting for me again on Monday. I basically wasn't able to let go of work. Since I've started getting better, my Sundays have been getting easier. I always felt bad for feeling sad on Sundays because it ruined the only other day off I had, which made me, of course, feel worse in general.

One day I noticed that there was a small moment when I was just happy. There was no anxiety, no stress, no worry, no sadness. Just happiness. It felt so weird that it took me a moment to register. Since that day, there have been more of those moments and those moments are getting longer. I'm not expecting to constantly feel pure happiness but the fact that I can be just happy for a while feels amazing.

After pretty much years of constantly working too hard, it's relieving to notice that after starting to pay attention to my workload and well-being, the results are slowly starting to show.